What do you give to the person who has everything? The only thing someone can never have too much of: laughter.
It's easy to figure out kids want toys and college students want bulk packs of instant noodles. When you've known someone a long time, however, you might want to juke expectations after years of gift-giving holidays. The lifelong friend, the high school sweetheart that you married, and the nosy neighbor who keeps peering through the fence every time you have people over each deserve a present that says, “I know you well enough to think that you'll find this hilarious.”
Yet not everyone is as witty as they are generous. How can you ensure that you're making someone merry instead of annoyed? The following three simple guidelines, if closely observed, can almost certainly guarantee that you probably will not get slapped in the face:
- It has to be absurd. It is said that there is an element of truth in comedy, but you should be careful what you choose to make light of. A gift – even a funny one – is meant to show your esteem for someone, not create a biting satire of the way your Aunt Margot smacks her lips when she eats corn. Put the cutting insight back into the pantry and substitute a few heaping spoonfuls of comedy's other main ingredient: the unexpected. The best gag gifts are the ones that the recipient couldn't have even imagined existing before he or she rips off the paper or opens the bag.
- It has to be useful. A joke is usually only funny once. It's great to get that guffaw out of someone at the moment of giving, but a hilariously giant pair of novelty sunglasses is going to get thrown in the trash once people at the party put away their camera phones. Make sure that the base material of your gift is something that will continue to see some use; every time it comes out of the drawer or closet, there may even still be a smirk in your honor.
- It should be relatively inexpensive. Humor is as subjective and fickle as the weather. To give a gift that is intended to be funny is to take a risk that the punchline will fall flat. Try not to invest too much in your own wit; buying someone a Jaguar XJ7 and then painting it purple might earn you a few snickers, but the looks on the faces in the driveway will never keep your spirits up as you work a second job to cover the payments. Give something good, but don't ante up the kids' college fund just for a laugh.
What to Buy?
Keeping these rules in mind, we've put together a list of ten ideal gag gifts that pony up lots of yuks for just a few bucks. Something here should get a giggle out of even the humbuggiest of Scrooges. (If not, maybe it's time for you to make new friends.)
-
1The Personalized Six-Pack
When most people do great things, his or her name might adorn a street or a building. Recognize your alcoholic buddy for his intoxicated achievements by emblazoning his name across something that really matters: beer. For $39.95, the folks at LastLaughGifts.com will send you a set of six beer labels, six neck labels, and a sixer carrying case that you can personalize online with any text and an image of your pal's dopey, red-eyed grin. You may be disappointed that the order doesn't include the brew, but this is actually a bonus; other companies offer personalized beer, but they slap the customization on bottles of the cheapest swill that can be bought in bulk. Now you can produce a grin from something your friend will actually drink. Extra points: this is a gift that can be shared, wink and nudge. -
2Prescription Coffee Mug
We all know that poor soul who is hopelessly addicted to coffee. They won’t speak or acknowledge anyone until they get their morning fix. Unlike other drugs, addiction to coffee is perfectly acceptable by society’s standards, so why not have a laugh at someone’s hopeless attachment to caffeine by buying them a coffee mug that tells it like it is? The Prescription Coffee Mug is the perfect deprecating gift that simultaneously gives justification to that coworker or friend that coffee is indeed medicine, and if they don’t have it, they might die. -
32-Carat Cup
The good people at Perpetual Kid know what you're up to, and they want to help. A mere $14.19 will score you a 2-carat ring in a large jewelry box...that is attached to a coffee mug hidden inside the packaging. Although the ring that acts as the cup's handle isn't embedded with an actual precious stone, the Swarovski crystal will still make someone look like a million bucks at the breakfast table. (Just remember the rules stated above. Do NOT give this to your expectant girlfriend unless you want her to become your vengeful ex-girlfriend.) -
4Bottle of Wine Glass
It's a known fact: the closer you get to the bottom of a bottle of wine, the harder it is to keep getting up and refreshing your drink. Prevent accidents around the home of a friend or loved one with a vessel big enough to hold an entire 750 ml at once. Vat19 offers this gargantuan goblet for $12.50 so that you can inexpensively preserve someone's dignity by removing the necessity of upending the bottle straight into the gullet. The deep profile of the glass and the slightly tapered rim will hold the nose of an aromatic red, while the bulbous bottom maximizes the life of the bubbles in a light spumante. The giftee will laugh at the sheer size of the stemware and keep laughing as the wine goes to her head. -
5 U Picture it! Personalized Doormat
Personalization Mall could, of course, take a photo of your grandmother smiling and put it on a coffee mug...or they could take the photo of the time she got too deep into the rum cake and slap it on the front doormat to remind visitors who they're dealing with. A mere $22.95 will get any image dye-printed onto an 18” x 27” polyester mat with non-skid rubber backing. Nothing is more inviting than saying to guests, “Please remember to wipe your shoes on my face.” -
6 Executive Decision Maker
Let’s face it: making decisions from a position of power is tough work. It can be stressful and tiring at times. Sometimes it seems like there’s no solution in sight. The Executive Decision Maker was made to help you make those tough decisions. Best of all, it sports a fitting gear design that helps remind you how you keep the cogs running, whether at the workplace or household. Just make sure you won’t lose your job before you buy it as a gift for your boss… -
7 Beagle USB Humping Dog
Everyone knows an animal lover. While this may suggest obvious and boring presents such as kitten calendars or panda combs, you can stand out from the crowd by giving the animal-themed gift that loves back: the USB Humping Dog from Big Time Tech, priced at $14.95. Flip out the prong and slide it into a port to see the flop-eared Romeo pump data into your hard drive. The internal servos run on bus power and pure animal lust, so no batteries are required. Additional cool points (not redeemable) are awarded if used during a marketing presentation. -
8 Man Candles
Men are simple creatures. They eat, they scratch, they sleep. Such busy schedules often don't leave time to slay the horrific odors wafting from the inside of a gym bag or under the sink. If you dread dropping by his place to watch the game because the smells make you want to breathe through your ears, give him some Man Candles to freshen the place up. These soy wax candles will fill his home with the fragrant aura of bacon, beer, root beer, or putting greens for $11.99 each. With a 40-hour burn life, you can breathe easy for the rest of the regular season – but you might want to buy an extra one if your team makes the playoffs. -
9 Toilet-Shaped Speaker
Something is wrong with kids today, with their hipping and their hopping and their grindcores and their Gagas. All of the music the young people listen to is crap. But if they insist on pumping up the jams while they “yolo”, you can at least make your opinion known by giving them the speaker that's shaped like a toilet for $22.99. This doo-doo-hickey has USB inputs, a 3.5 mm cord, and a charger so that it can be used on the “go”. -
10 Fifty Shades of Chicken
Bring the spice back into the kitchen with the Fifty Shades of Chicken cookbook for $14.73. Written as a parody of the recent smash novel, the prose inside takes advantage of the convenient similarities between softcore romance and food reviews. Sensually linger over the breasts and thighs prepared in fifty different recipes that will satisfy your baser appetites. You may get slapped for giving this gift, but you'll learn to like it.
