The worst thing about people you hate is that they spend so much time hanging out with people you like; these schlubs are like the strawberry ends in boxes of Neapolitan ice cream. And, like those pink stripes of sugared mucous, you're typically content to ignore and avoid them.
Nevertheless, you were perfectly aware that the abominable blowhard was going to show up to spoil your reindeer games. And – because you happen to be a good person – you set aside a few bucks in your budget to buy some geegaw for this moron in order to avoid making a scene.
What to Buy?
Trying to ruin his Christmas could ruin everyone's Christmas, so lob a Grinch grenade instead of a humbug warhead. We'll teach you the science of the surgical strike by suggesting ten ways to gift-wrap hatred and the reasoning behind each one:
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1Forbidden Knowledge: 101 Things NOT Everyone Should Know How to Do
There is a phrase that goes something along the lines of “give him enough rope to hang himself”. Gifting this book is like handing an idiot a shipyard's worth of cable for only $10.55. Bear traps baited with tempting, bad-ass language like “How to Make Moonshine” or “How to Count Cards at a Casino” are sure to goad this twit into actually setting his foot into them. Knowing his penchant for half-assing his work, he's sure to wind up beaten up, exploded, or arrested. Chapters such as “How to Beat a Lie Detector Test” and “How to Break Out of Prison” ensure that the fun doesn't stop at his incarceration. The local newspaper for the month of January will be a laugh riot. -
2Jar of Nothing
There may be no other perfect gift in the world that says “you mean nothing to me” and “oh, by the way, that’s exactly what I got for you this Christmas”. The Jar of Nothing punches that extra level of contempt home for the person in your life that you just can’t stand. What more can you say about nothing? -
3Unisex Exercise wrap
You could, of course, write “You're fat” on a piece of paper, stick it in a box, and wrap it all up...but where's the fun in that? Be part of the solution by gifting the Exercise Wrap from Baboosh for $35.00. A sleeve composed of nylon and neoprene induces perspiration from the core area when wrapped around the waist. Available in large and small, it adjusts to gird specific girths by use of Velcro fasteners. Try not to refer to it out loud as a “sausage casing” as it gets unwrapped. Do feel free to point out that if your beneficiary wrings it over a bowl after a single use, the butter and tequila that was sweated through the skin makes a nice glaze for grilled shrimp. -
4Lollicock All Day Sucker
There's something to be said for subversion, but clever digs have been known to fly over the heads of the stupid. Trade subtle wit for just giving something offensive to shove in their pieholes. For a mere $7.49, the suggestions that you make figuratively behind someone's back will now be offered literally in the guise of Christmas cheer. The good news is that six inches of realistic, fruit-flavored genitalia will be plenty to satisfy. The better news is that, no matter how offended the recipient may seem, you know that thing is going in a mouth as soon as no one's looking because everyone likes free candy. -
5Oprah Winfrey Limited Edition Fine Art Print
MERRY CHRISTMAAAAAAAS! YOU get a gift card, and YOU get a gift card, and YOU...you...you get a picture of Oprah's face. The brightly lit neutral colors and broad strokes are reminiscent of Diego Rivera's masterpieces, and also of Oprah, because, look, there she is. This 8x10 print of an oil original, limited to a run of 999 pieces, sells for only $9.99 with larger sizes or canvas wrapping available at an additional charge. Remind someone how much he needs some Oprah in his life; be it her understanding attitude towards addiction, her generosity to her fellow human beings, or her blithe indulgence of celebrities. How can the foibles of a single man stand before Oprah's piercing yet enigmatic expression? They cannot. -
6Pickle Flavored Floss
A very cheap gift that hits a person you hate on multiple fronts, Pickle Flavored Floss could be your answer to a particularly despised individual in your life with no sense of oral care. Here’s the breakdown: For one, flossing is a chore. Secondly, pickle-flavored anything is terrible, let alone for dental hygiene products. Lastly, it lets you give a subtle jab at their presumably poor breath and or teeth. Getting floss as a gift is one thing, but why not go the extra mile? -
7You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News: Shocking but Utterly True Facts
In 1692, Matthew Prior wrote, “The only wretched are the wise.” This book by the editors of Cracked.com echoes that sentiment as catnip for neurotics. In-depth chapters detail how your worst fears are possible – from the reality of a zombie apocalypse to subtle forms of mind control – and how many of the things you held dear (such as the integrity of scientists or the chastity of dolphins) are in fact baseless lies. At $11.95, you can pass the book off as an inexpensive impulse purchase that was meant to be funny. But you'll know the arrow hit the mark when your now-squirrely-eyed target wears vinyl gloves twenty-four hours a day. -
8Bhut Jolokia aka Instant Death #2 Salsa
Tantamount to roasting someone on a spit, this $11.25 jar of salsa burns going in and coming out. That's because it is flavored by the Bhut Jolokia (or “ghost pepper” as it is gasped by those unfortunate enough to have ingested it), which is the hottest pepper on Earth. You can't legally bestow more pain onto someone unless you both join the UFC. Give the gift that says, “I heard the words 'flaming asshole' and thought of you.” -
9Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy T-Shirt
If there's anything that country music has taught us, it's how to drive away women of moderate and above intelligence with a semantically empty and vaguely sexist catchphrase. Help someone communicate his unfitness for breeding by adorning his chest with the title of a song popularized by people who are no longer big nor rich. The delightful rub of the ambiguous message on the front of this $9.99 shirt is that it isn't exactly clear whether the wearer intends to be the rider or the ridee. -
10Screw You Corkscrew
Your middle finger is great for expressing exactly how you feel. The problem is that it's great for other higher-life-form functions as well, and you need it for the other 23.95 hours in a day when you aren't having an “open and honest dialog” with the village idiot. Send along your regards in a care package with the corkscrew that does the job for you when you can't be around. A mere $9.49 investment pays off in infinite dividends, adding your sentiments to dull the relief of daily bouts of drinking (which are surely required if you're properly doing your job of making the recipient's life a living hell).
You could, of course, simply tell him to stick his fa-la-la-la-la in his la-la-la-la. Just remember to pull out a chair for your dignity so it can sit next to you at the kids' table after you're ejected from polite company. Not buying a gift for someone isn't just unseemly, it's lazy. Remember that a gift is meant to be an expression of sentiment, no matter how much that sentiment may or may not happen to drip with bile. Be creative and you just might give yourself a little fulfillment...and isn't that the greatest gift of all?
